Under the Bridge - Christmas in a Can for Gamers

Under the Bridge - Christmas in a Can for Gamers

Every Friday, our new feature, Under the Bridge, highlights our troll of the week. Often, the trolls are creatures lurking around the EverQuest community waiting to punk unsuspecting fans into posting invective-filled responses. At other times, the trolling is more subtle.

I know today's troll isn't a lone hunter and a basement-dweller, as most trolls are, but I still like to think I know a troll when I see one. And this retailer, called Game, is doing some hardcore trolling with its funky little invention for gamers, cleverly called "Christmas Tinner."

Yeah, you heard me. Christmas Tinner. That's Christmas in a tin can. Here's a photo so you'll get the gist.

 

Doesn't that look delish? Imagine, it's Christmas Day and you're about to begin the EQ Houses of Thex raid expedition with a bunch of your guildmates. (After all, you're a gamer, so what else could you possibly have going on?) As you fish, orange-fingered, through the dregs of a bag of Doritos for a sizeable crumb to wash down with your last swig of Mountain Dew, it suddenly dawns on you--Christmas is about family. And family is about food. And you've got no one to cook for your sad, lonely ass, but...you did buy yourself some Christmas in a can, and that's as close as you're going to get to the made-with-love fare you would've been served at Grandma's house if you'd only been willing to leave that well-worn chair in front of your PC, the one with such a deep impression of your butt in it.

You open the can, thanking the gods for the pull tab so you didn't have to search for a can opener, and lovingly run a knife around the inside perimeter to loosen your meal. (You have to do this quickly, since your friends will be ready to raid any minute.) You take out a plate and hold the can over it, shaking it up and down in a gesture not unlike... well, never mind, you just shake it, okay? The goods slide out of the can and onto the plate with a satisfying sound--shhhhthpppluuuck! Yummy. You nuke it per the provided directions, and the smell that wafts through the air is not unlike the aroma that emenated from your microwave the last time you heated up your dog's Alpo as a special treat.

Beeeeeep!

Dinner time! This stuff has layers of delectable goodness. It starts with scrambled eggs and bacon. You don't have to miss that Christmas morning breakfast after all! Then you're moving on to mince pies...whatever mince pies are. From there it's turkey and potatoes, gravy, bread sauce... bread sauce? Must be a UK thing. Oh, gods, wait--it's this. Well, whatever. Onward to the cranberry sauce, followed by either brussel sprouts with stuffing or broccoli with stuffing (you hope it's the broccoli, but who the hell mixes broccoli with stuffing? Or brussel sprouts with stuffing, for that matter), roast carrots and parsnips, and finally on to the big payoff--the Christmas pudding.

You really have to wonder what the figgy pudding Game was thinking when they produced this monstrosity. Surely they can't think gamers would fall for something like layered gelatinous goop in a can, could they? Or do they really believe that we're all bottom-dwelling misanthropes who'd sooner pee in a Mountain Dew bottle than leave a raid for a bio break? (Okay, maybe some of us are, but most of us aren't.)

Yep, folks--we've been trolled. Hard. And that's why Game is my troll of the week. Back under your bridge (somewhere in the UK), Game! We'll have none of your layered imitation food. We can just call up the basement stairs and ask our moms to whip us up a turkey and cranberry sauce sammich.


Have you spotted a troll talking shit and swilling Hateraid? Send a link to Shayalyn so she can make it her pet.

 

About the Author

shayalyn's picture

Karen became hopelessly hooked on EverQuest when she wandered into Norrath for the first time, immediately fell off one of the Kelethin platforms, and had to ask a Bard to find her mangled corpse. She's gained a few skills since, and logged more hours than she cares to count playing all kinds of MMOs. The EverQuest franchise remains her favorite. Relying on her druidic wisdom, she pens a weekly column, Ask the Druid, every Thursday. Send your questions to her at shayalyn [at] tentonhammer.com.